So I've gone and ruined another relationship.
Well, I shouldn't put all of the blame on myself. My friend had quite a bit to do with the decay of the relationship, but its just easier to blame me. Plus, only one side of the story gets to be represented here. Whatever. I try to be fair in my dealing with people, but sometimes I think that is part of the problem. I don't think about my own needs. I put everyone else on a higher level than myself. Their needs, their grievances are always more important than mine. My problems and heartaches are just the result of a weak and over-active mind. Perhaps that's not the case (read its a good bet), but you'll have one heck of a time convincing the rest of me of that. Just ask my therapist. (She can't legally answer you, but the answer would be affirmative.)
I have a long history of sabotaging my relationships. It appears that I can't just have friends; I have to either love them or hate them, and when I can't love them, I must drive them away.
Maybe I need to stop trying to be a good friend. Maybe I need to stop trying to find love. Maybe I just need to chalk it up to another bad roll of the dice and move on. Oh, how I wish it were that easy.
Monica, Katie and Mari, I'm sorry.
Hey, just want to reinforce to you that this is completely normal. It still sucks, but it's part of a process. Don't stop trying to be a good friend, but instead learn to be a good friend simply because that's who you are, rather than with the expectation of receiving a specific reward for your effort.
ReplyDeleteThis self-abandoning friendship of yours may even be a family trait. In all of my "vast" dating experience (heavy sarcasm intended), I have initiated a "break up" only once - every other time it was me that got kicked to the curb, and it ALWAYS felt like a kick to the gut. I'm still FB friends with most of those girls, but only in a acquaintance sort of way at this point.
Anyway, the point is, rather than try to dilute yourself so that the pain isn't as intense when things don't go your way, build yourself up so that when the crap hits the fan, you can look in the mirror, know who you are and what you have to offer, and keep your head high even though it still stings on the inside.
And to bring this full circle, your self-worth is completely and entirely connected to the Gospel, so build the habits that build your testimony.
Love you, bro - see you in a couple weeks!