Blah

So I've gone and ruined another relationship.

Well, I shouldn't put all of the blame on myself. My friend had quite a bit to do with the decay of the relationship, but its just easier to blame me. Plus, only one side of the story gets to be represented here. Whatever. I try to be fair in my dealing with people, but sometimes I think that is part of the problem. I don't think about my own needs. I put everyone else on a higher level than myself. Their needs, their grievances are always more important than mine. My problems and heartaches are just the result of a weak and over-active mind. Perhaps that's not the case (read its a good bet), but you'll have one heck of a time convincing the rest of me of that. Just ask my therapist. (She can't legally answer you, but the answer would be affirmative.)

I have a long history of sabotaging my relationships. It appears that I can't just have friends; I have to either love them or hate them, and when I can't love them, I must drive them away.

Maybe I need to stop trying to be a good friend. Maybe I need to stop trying to find love. Maybe I just need to chalk it up to another bad roll of the dice and move on. Oh, how I wish it were that easy.

Monica, Katie and Mari, I'm sorry.

Love

Love is an unusual thing. I assume that it is for everyone, but I don't really care about them. I'm only interested in my own experience, at least, for the moment. It is a frustrating state of mind to be in for me - it's the one thing that I desire the most, yet it is the one thing that I despise and avoid the most, as well. What does that mean exactly?

Well, as far as I can explain, it goes something like this. I don't have many interests. I don't really get along with people in general, or I don't want to have to if I can avoid it.They talk about having Christ-like love, a general and universal love for all of your fellow man. I'm not a hateful man, by any means, but I certainly do not possess this sort of love. I honestly do not believe that I can really even achieve it in any fashion. The reason is that I don't have the energy to care. I hardly have the energy (be it mental or physical, but mostly mental) to take care of myself and my own problems. There's little to nothing that anyone can really do to help me out. I assume other people are in the same boat, and leave it at that. Besides, I've tried in the past to be a friendly and helpful person. I expended a lot of my personal energy on it in several cases (that's where all my motivation went, I believe) and rarely got any sort of result that made me feel good about it to any degree. People don't want your help unless its what they think it should be - which is rarely the case. Additionally, I'm not really interested in being the kind of helper that gets thrown under the bus so someone can 'have a seed planted' and experience the necessary changes later. There is no value in uncertainty for me.

As for love in term of interests, I don't have a lot of that, either. Few things truly excite me anymore. Those things that do are things that I will never be able to achieve or that I do not have the capacity to achieve just yet - that require a lot of mundane grinding to work towards. (Yeah, I know that's the story of everybody's life, but the point still stands.) As for everything else, I just don't give a crap. If it doesn't interest me, I either just couldn't care less or I have to put a lot of effort into making it look like I'm at least mildly interested. I don't have a lot of hobbies because I just can't muster the drive to check out new things on my own. I probably won't enjoy it anyway, and then I'll have spent money and time on something pointless. It's an awful way to view the world, but it's what I'm stuck with.

I don't have a lot, if any, of those types of love. For the most part, I don't really care too much; it doesn't bother me. But the third type... That is where the trouble starts. This is the type that I simultaneously desire with my whole being and loathe immensely. Emotional love, the love for individuals, the state of being in love. Fatol'khadak I hate it.

As I've mentioned before, I met this girl. That pretty much sums up the story. I met her and almost immediately liked her once she mentioned in passing conversation that she enjoyed those corny little math posters that you may find in high school math rooms. I think they're great. I fell in love with her the moment she first hugged me, the moment I got up the nerve to stick around with her after I was done with my chemistry lab one day last spring. I didn't fully realize just how much, especially since she had mentioned that she was dating someone at the time. Nevertheless, as we hung out more, which was a lot that semester, I became so totally enthralled by this girl that, well, when she broke up with that first boyfriend and started to date another guy that she had met around the same time as she had met me, I was devastated. 

Our relationship survived and I got over that hurt, particularly because she became very busy over the summer and into the current semester, so I rarely got to see her. This semester, however, things changed. Her relationship broke apart and all the repressed feelings I had flooded back to the forefront of my mind. After discussing the situation with a few people who I trusted, I decided to talk to her about them. I hoped that she would agree to go out with me, when she was ready. I wasn't expecting anything right away, of course, but I didn't want the opportunity to pass me by again like it had the previous time. 

So I prepared. I wrote down all the things that were on my mind, sorted it all out into something that was ultimately a lot more coherent on paper than being spoken. If love were subject to logic, it would have been an undeniable proposition. Alas, love is not logic. I was denied, albeit in the most (frustratingly) polite and soft-handed manner possible. Her reasons were just as legitimate as mine. I hate it. Now I must somehow figure out how to recover and move on again, for this is not the first time this has happened. I still love her and I honestly hate that I do. This love, this hindrance to my ability to function at a reasonably high level, this drain that saps my energy and motivation and emotional health so efficiently... I hate it, yet I so desperately want it.

I don't know what I'm going to do. She said not to wait on her, as she does not know how long her, for lack of a better term, sabbatical will last, but I wouldn't be surprised if I end up doing just that. Waiting, because I am afraid of approaching another, afraid that I won't find someone else as wonderful, kind and caring as her. I've loved other girls before, but none have ever returned the friendship that I gave them, not to anything close to this degree, anyway. I don't have faith that there will be anything for me through the Church - every Singles ward or branch I've ever attended has either been like my current, nice but generally too old for me, or like the others, dismissive and unengaging, full of young people who display no interest in getting to know me. Besides, anyone that I would have any interest in will already be taken, as it were. That's just how it goes for me.

I feel silly complaining about this like I'm one of the several nearly thirty year old single individuals in my ward - I'm only 24 - but... It still drains on me just as much. I'm certain that I will find someone some day, but I fear that it will be a compromise against myself to stem the loneliness that I feel rather than being what I need and am looking for. Perhaps I'm not so certain, after all. I just don't know.

I hate being in love.

Back in Austin

So I have spent the last week back in Ohio. I left for the San Antonio airport last Thursday shortly before noon, and I arrived back at my apartment today shortly after noon. I was away for almost exactly one week. Pretty neat.

Aside from being a nice change of scenery, my little excursion was also planned around getting a few medical items dealt with, as well as allowing me to pick up my cat, Salem, and bring him back to Texas with me. Everything went smoothly, including the nearly day-long plane trip back to San Antonio. I'm actually surprised that Salem did as well as he did, considering that he spent the entire time from leaving the house in Ohio to arriving at Rory and Rachel's apartment some eleven hours later inside a small animal carrier bag thing. He is a patient animal, however, and only complained when he was being physically moved about. He was very pleased when the door was opened up for him at the end of the journey, too.

Today has been a rather uneventful one. Once I got back to my apartment, I set up the cat's box and food, sort of unpacked and finished replacing the trash bags that I had left undone when I left. Oh, and I discovered the source of a rather unpleasant fruit-like smell that I encountered upon returning, too. I initially suspected was the apple cider vinegar fly trap that I left out over the week - which, happily, had collected at least another six gnats while I was gone - but the smell persisted in strange places after I had emptied and washed the jar I was using and still after I had sprayed some air freshener around. It turns out that the too-strong, fruity smell is coming from my shirts. I blame the dryer freshener thing that my Mom is using in lieu of dryer sheets for that. The smell is both too powerful (gives me headaches anytime I catch the scent), and is considerably not a masculine one. Yes, as if I was masculine to begin with. [Strikes pose.]

I did accomplish one thing of relative (in)significance, though. I believe that I have discovered why I'm having so much trouble focusing on schoolwork and other such things requiring concentration. I realized that I spend the vast majority of my time in a semi trance-like state in an effort to not notice the passage of time as intensely as I otherwise might. I do this because I very often have absolutely nothing that I want to do. My rule of thumb is that if it involves me doing it by myself, I have no interest in it. In any case, while in this trance-like state, it is incredibly hard to actually put my brain to work. I'm basically forcing it to go into a liquid state, so of course its not going to perform very well under any sort of pressure. It is effective in making the sheer boredom of my life more manageable, but due to the length of time in which I've been doing this, it has apparently become my default mode of operation.

I've never enjoyed doing tedious and repetitive tasks in the first place, but alas, in order to master subjects like math, tedium and repetition are sort of required. I was good at it back when I was in high school, depending on the week - but I've gone several years now without having to strain my brain very hard at all for any reason. (That and a series of unfortunately stressful and dramatic social encounters have both led to my not liking to apply much effort to things in general.) Essentially, I am at a point where it's so much easier to exist in a vegetative state than to attempt actually using my brain - in which state the passage of time would be more acutely noticeable - that it is incredibly hard to be able to focus on anything, even things that I really rather enjoy doing. It's unfortunate and I'm not entirely sure what I will have to do to change it. At least I can see what the problem is, though. Well, at least I think I can, anyway.

Altered Reality

I'm having a minor crisis in my brain. Well, I've been having this crisis, to varying degrees, for years now, but I've fallen back into it rather abruptly and unexpectedly as of late.

I'm back to the unhappy, unmotivated existence that has plagued my development for who knows how long. The past three days have been spent at home, usually in the dark, doing little to nothing. It sounds fantastic, I know, but I hate it. I hate every second of it. And for some reason, I have this idea that by coming on here and writing about it, I will somehow manage to get something accomplished. Maybe even fix the problem. I dunno, maybe I have this idea that someone will read it and suddenly feel so moved for me that they spontaneously transform into my savior or something.

I want to whine and complain about how unhappy I am and how difficult things are for me. I want to lament the fact that I have so few friends and that those that I do have are rarely the caliber that I feel so dependent on or that they just don't have the time to spend doting over me as much as I might like. I want to bemoan this depressing and pointless cycle that I have to go through over and over again.

I know that technically it's not real. My brain, for whatever reason, cannot operate in a stable manner. My apparent reality is altered by chemical imbalances and minor tweaks in structure. Well, that's what I'm supposed to think, anyway, as if it would make me feel any better about it. What is one's reality other than what they experience, though? Reality is a subjective thing that cannot really be universally applied over the entire population. My reality is a dim, unhappy and broken one. One in which I cannot seem to make any true progress and one in which I can't make final decisions, either. I suppose that's a good thing in a way. I would have ended my pointless existence a while ago if I weren't so indecisive, if I weren't so afraid of making my own choices. I still think about such things to this very day. I long for silence, to be able to just float freely without having to worry, without having to think. I would probably follow through with my suicidal imaginings if it weren't for my understanding of what waits beyond this life. If I were to end my life now, I wouldn't just stop being. No, the torment, dissatisfaction and unhappiness would live on as my spirit passed from this world to the next intermediary world. Not only would I be just like I am now, but I would then have to exist forever with the knowledge that I had chosen to end my only chance to really become happy.

I suppose that it wouldn't be so bad, all things considered. I prefer structure and definitiveness. I would at least know for a fact that I would not be able to change. Maybe that would be more tolerable for me than this mortal existence in which there is always that glimmer of hope that maybe things *might* get better, that I *might* discover true happiness. Well, at this point in time, I highly doubt that I'll ever discover it. Chances are that its right in front of me, just waiting to be realized, but I just can't and won't allow myself to. It requires work and change, both being things that are difficult and painful. I've endured so much constant pain and difficulty through my meager existence so far that I just don't want to willingly put myself into even more of it. The prospect of working towards ultimate happiness reinforces some peoples' drive to reach it, but not mine. I'm lazy and I have no faith in myself anymore. I don't believe that I have what it takes to accomplish anything that I want or need to get done. I don't believe that I can find any form of happiness and just take it for what it is.

I put too much emphasis on my friends, I expect from them what I shouldn't. I take perfectly good relationships and destroy them through obsessive behavior and a lack of emotional self control. I dismiss the little things that happen because they aren't the changes I so desperately need. I am impatient and ungrateful. I can't rely on medicine to help me with my problems because I can't take a hiatus from life. Life goes on and I continue to fall farther and farther behind while we try one unsuccessful solution after another. I am a habitual failure and I don't believe that I'll ever be able to change that.

In all honesty, I just want to die and be done with it all. I won't ever be able to take my own life, but I wouldn't have any problem with just passing on in my sleep. To do so peacefully would be fantastic, but with how poorly I sleep anyway, I doubt I would even be allowed that luxury. I just want to be done. I have no purpose left that I can achieve. I won't find the happiness that has eluded me here, back home or anywhere else. I just want to be done and not have to worry about it anymore. I want my life here to be done and my intelligence wiped from existence. Maybe then, in that state of nothingness, I will finally find peace?

Strange Things are Afoot

Has anyone ever had the experience in which you lose the drive to do basic self maintenance things? I'm at that point for some reason, and it's really weirding me out. Some context: I hold personal hygiene to an incredibly important level in my life. I hate the feeling of grossness that comes from not taking an somewhat excessive amount of care of myself for even a short amount of time. Most of this maintenance involves taking showers, which I take at least once a day, depending on how extraordinarily hot it is in this blasted state. Now, lately I've been having this very strange sensation of drivelessness that  is even creeping into my holy sanctum of personal cleanliness. The past several weeks, I've had the experience where I will be getting ready to get in the shower, and then I suddenly feel like.... Meh. I'll do it later. What the heck? Creeping me out, man.

Timing

So I've finally found it. Finally, I've discovered that thing that could very well change my life. There is only one thing that can really do that, after all, and I've put enough thought into the situation to be certain of that. There is a problem, though: It's not mine. I've tasted the effects and felt the potential for improvement, but it seems that this one is not the one, at least, not at this moment. There is a small consolation prize, however. If what I've felt has come from something that was not meant for me, the effect of that which is to be mine will be so much the greater. It's a happy thought, but only does so much to stem the frustration of the instant. It's a complicated situation that is driving me up the wall. Oh well, I suppose I'll get through it all the same. I've not killed myself from frustration yet, so it's unlikely that it will occur here, either. That's good.

If this makes no sense to you, that's okay. It is what is on my mind and it doesn't necessarily require comprehension. Even I don't fully understand it.

Writing Names

So, while sitting here on Sunday morning doing absolutely nothing - my body decided to kick me out of bed after only three hours... I blame the medicine - I began re-experimenting with my 1-to-1 coding translation of the English arabic system to my own made up one. Well, that got boring pretty fast. My characters don't flow as well. A number of them look a lot more like Ancient glyphs than modern letter or letter equivalents. Once I was sufficiently bored of writing out peoples' names in my system, I began writing them out in English, too. And here is the point to this post: I have noticed that I have a very distinct way of writing various names. 

My own name is always written in sub-caps and slightly italicized and sloppy, it is a slowed down version of my signature, after all. If I happen to like the person whose name I am writing or spend a good deal of time thinking about them (you all know who you are), they tend to come out neatly written, squared and centered. The rest tend to be my more typical fast and blocky text, considering most have no great meaning to me. (Yes, that does sound a little stranger than I wanted.)

I amuse myself greatly from time to time with the small random things that I notice. It's always nice when there's someone else to share it with who then can laugh at and with me about it. Like the chicken-related dinner I had last night tasting suddenly and inexplicably like corn on the cobb... That's you, Mari!! :)

One last thing, the greatest and stupidest thing I've ever said: "That's what was thinking in my head." Ah, cognitive dissonance and confusion created from lack of medicine... If it weren't for the headaches and mood swings, I'd love it. xD

For Friends

So it's been a month since my last post! For shame!!

Unfortunately, the delay in posting has primarily to do with my general lack of feeling like there's anything to write about. In reality, I suppose that there has been, but between me not really being interested in writing about menial day to day activities (or sitivities, if you catch my drift), and my general hesitation to write potentially self-embarrassing/vulnerable-ating things about people that might actually then read these posts, I just haven't had any inspiration to write.

The good news is that things have been going well. My mood has been stable, and even pleasant from time to time, and I've been getting out of the apartment every once in a while and doing social things! Gasp! School is going well and I'm enjoying my classes, even if they are tending to be too slow paced and non-challenging for me. 

There is bad news, however. The first piece of bad news is that my friend Alicia, with whom I had spent the largest portion of my time since we met last fall, has moved back to her home in Nebraska. This leaves me lacking a good friend who also happens to live close by. My own detriment aside, though, I am happy for her. She finished her course at the culinary arts school here in Austin quite successfully and has found employment back home to fulfill her required 'externship' thing. So here's to Alicia for being awesome and doing awesome! (And also doing a fantastic job mending holes and weak spots on several pairs of my jeans. Thank again!)

The other bit of bad news involves my experience at Church. I should start off this part by stating that my experience with Church here in Austin has been, by far, the best and most fulfilling one I've had since High School. I am definitely much better off having moved here and getting involved with this ward than I would have been otherwise. That being said, I am becoming rather frustrated with many things related to Church. Quick aside, it has nothing to do with the Church itself, so you needn't worry about that. My beliefs and convictions remain as they always have been, if only considerably expanded. The things that frustrate me have to do more with the social aspects of the ward. When I first got here, I was very impressed with how much unsolicited effort went into making me feel welcome and included. I made a handful of good friends and got to know a lot of good people. These days, though, I'm finding myself back to the position of feeling, as I have put it to other individuals, out-of-sight-out-of-mind. It's partly my fault for inherently not liking to be openly social and self out-putting, but a lot of it appears to me like I'm just being overlooked or forgotten. I don't live where the primary groups of ward members live, so it seems like I just tend to get left out of things. It makes me kinda sad, but whatever. If people can't remember that I exist and like to do stuff on their own, I certainly don't want them to have to be compelled to invite me to stuff just so they don't feel bad about it. I, personally, have stopped caring about it a long time ago. It only makes me angsty and emo-esque, two things that I utterly despise.

There is a bright side to all this, though! If only a temporary one. I made a friend via my classes this semester. Her name is Mari and she is quite possibly among the most awesome girls that I have ever met. In fact, nearly every time I've described her to other people and then mentioned that she isn't available, they suddenly feel very sorry for me. Yeah, me too perhaps, but I am quite content to be friends. It's only one of the best experiences I've ever had, after all. :P

So, she's in all of my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and then has an additional class at the same campus later in the evening both days. Because of the several hour gap between the end of our last class together and that one on both days, I've been having her over at my place to hang out, relax, and occasionally catch up on late assignments in superior comfort than what would have been available on campus. This most fortunate turn of events has given me the most pleasant effect of having company at home for several hours on a regular basis. I'll tell you what, after my experience with my former roommate, having company that I adore, rather than want to kill is absolutely fantastic. I also get to show off my amazing usefulness and friendliness around her, too, which is great because those are two of my most underutilized traits. Yesterday, for example, she had an essay for her evening class that she still needed to write. She was, of course, more than welcome to hang out at my place and work on it there, and she did take advantage of the offer. (For which I was greatly pleased.) I've been saying for a long time that the only thing that really motivates me is doing things with/for someone that I like and enjoy being with, and Mari clearly qualifies for that position. While she was working on the paper, I was able to go to the store for her, cash in her collection of coins and use it to buy brownie mix and cookie dough that she needed to get. Not that I normally loathe doing favors for other people, but it felt pretty nice being in that position. Once I got back, we chatted a little bit, and then I left her alone to work on her paper while I took a much needed nap on the couch. 

I made a startling observation sometime around that point. I really do enjoy having the company of some people, even when we aren't actually doing anything. I was really happy, which is an unusual thing for me. I would love to be able to experience that sort of feeling on a more regular basis. Now, if I could just find a girl who is equally as awesome *AND* would be alright with adding my last name to hers... I can only dream. Haha

The sad part is that my regular interactions with Mari may be rather short-lived. She lives much farther to the north of me and is only down here quite so much because she takes the classes at the Northridge campus. After this semester, that may not be the case any longer. Certainly, we'll still be friends, but the convenience of being in such close proximity on a regular basis may not remain. I will be sad. :(

But I intend to make the most of the time that I do have. We're baking the world's best cookies tomorrow! :D

Shiny Disco Ickiness

I know it's been a while, but I promise that nothing important has happened between my last post and now. Well, nothing of EXTREME importance... 

I did finally move to my new apartment, though. It's about the same size as my last one, minus a bedroom and bathroom, of course. It's laid out in less of an open manner, though, so while it has about the same amount of floorspace, the areas for the living and dining rooms feel smaller. That's okay, though, because I don't have a whole bunch of stuff that goes in either of those places!! I moved in two weeks ago Thursday, and let me tell you, that was an exhausting experience. I did have a little help moving stuff, but for the most part I was on my own. I was initially expecting to be moving on Friday, but much to my dismay, I was informed otherwise when I went to the front office a few days prior to make sure all the paperwork was taken care of.

The problem with Thursdays is that I have classes from 1:30 - 4:20. I was fortunate enough to not have Chem lab as well, but I still didn't get the process of moving underway until half past four. I also hadn't realized it until I actually had to collect and transport all my stuff, but I have a *lot* of junk... Junk that isn't the kind that can be thrown away, either. Interestingly, I had been dutifully saving all the boxes that I was getting up to this point so as to have a ready collection of boxes to use for storing stuff, but I neglected to consider the fact that what I would ultimately end up with was a hundred small shipping boxes. Not incredibly useful.

In any case, I finally finished moving everything and doing a less-thorough-than-I-originally-planned final cleaning seven hours later. I was totally wasted. It took me almost a week longer to finally get around to putting everything where it belonged. I'm really enjoying the new place, in spite of the man upstairs that watches TV until 3 in the morning and apparently needs to violently remove his lungs from his body on a nightly basis, but it was still lacking something...

Well, it WAS lacking something, anyway. As of this past Saturday, I became the proud owner of a horrifyingly retro '70's era couch! (We got it for its frame.) The thing is actually in really good shape considering its age, and given that I bought it off of Craigslist, it's even relatively clean-smelling! (It does smell of old furniture, an inevitable development for a piece of.... Old furniture, but it's perfectly tolerable.) The couch now sits on the wall opposite of my desk in a position perfect to allow for my main computer monitor to also serve as a TV, should the need arise! I'm rather pleased with it all.

My mom and I have also been considering what else we could do to make the place feel more like home to me and less like just some apartment I'm living in. This will probably involve painting the walls, adding a few additional pieces of furniture to my collection and possibly the purchase of an area rug, assuming we can find one that works well with the couch. She might even be coming out to visit sometime in the near future to be able to plan (and implement) better. Looking forward to that.

Other than that all, though, there's not much else going on. School is progressing nicely, CLE has, for the moment, stopped being a pain in my butt and I'm finding enough to do to occupy myself during the long periods of downtime that I tend to have throughout the week. So things are going well. 

Hopefully I'll be able to conjure up the drive to post again in a regular fashion. I suppose only time will tell... Bye!

A Horribly Bad Idea

So I've come to the conclusion that the GREATEST thing I could ever do as a father would be to name all of my children such that their initials are also three-letter abbreviations or acronyms. In trying to come up with a list of appropriate abbreviations, I have run into the problem that I can only use those that end in M... This limits my selection considerably, it seems. So far, with a little bit of research, I've been able to come up with:

- PPM : parts per million

- ISM : interstellar medium

- ZPM : zero-point module

- ADM : absolute distance meter

- APM : anti-personnel mine?

- AUM : arbitrary unit of mass

- DPM : disintigrations per minute

- FBM : fractional Brownian motion

I could probably go on forever, but I'll stop here. I will be in trouble if I end up having 8 kids. o.O

The next challenge is to find reasonable names to go with their initials. xD

100 Interesting Things About Me!

I've seen a couple other people that have done things like this, and they're kind of fun, so I figured that I'd do one, too. Also, since the gadget to take you to my stand-alone pages appears to be forever missing, I'll just have to put this here, instead. A fun fact before it starts, though, I wrote up this list instead of sleeping. I'm so smart. :)

1. I was born in Phoenix, Arizona on October 6th, 1988
2. I apparently had a death wish. At one point while living there, I drank an unspecified amount of rubbing alcohol for unknown reasons. It required me to have my stomach pumped. I am told that this was not a pleasant experience.
3. At another point, I was launched off of my parents' bed during a game involving jumping from piece of furniture to piece of furniture. My head made intimate contact with the corner of my Dad's desk. The wound required several stitches.
4. In my early years, I seem to have enjoyed covering myself - and everything else - in anything that I could get my hands on, be it spaghetti sauce, flour or peanut butter.
5. I moved from Phoenix to Pickerington, Ohio sometime in my fourth year.
6. I often have dreams involving our first house in Ohio. I was rather fond of that house
7. I absolutely adored my 1st, 3rd and 4th grade teachers.
8. I attended Kindergarten and 1st grade at Pickerington Elementary School.
9. The rest of my elementary years were at Fairfield Elementary, an identical, yet vastly inferior school as far as I was concerned.
10. I used to like Brussels Sprouts.
11. I first learned about the theory of relativity during an assembly at Fairfield Elementary.
12. I was also introduced to the song Feliz Navidad there... I will never forgive them.
13. I was very into the idea of getting married when I was younger.
14. I still am, actually. However, now it's more of a natural desire than it is adorable.
15. Did I mention that I'm really into the idea of getting married? ;)
16. My first real best friend was Eric Ratliff, who lived two doors down from my house on Wagram Road.
17. That was my second house in Ohio.
18. The construct that is currently Dakroth was originally conceived in 2nd or 3rd grade during recess.
19. I gained the nickname "Heifer Hands" from Eric's sisters. The reason behind it is unimportant.
20. I was baptized on my 8th birthday at the Columbus Ohio East Stake Center in 1996.
21. I still hold that building in high esteem in my memory.
22. It was about this time that I attempted the ill-fated mission of installing a Total Annihilation-style radar on my roof.
23. Speaking of which, Total Annihilation is my all-time favorite game. No RTS to date has quite matched its awesomeness.
24. I decided that Scouts was stupid when I was 11-ish.
25. I reconsidered that notion once I was in the Deacons Quorum.
26. The reason was that my Quorum adviser, Mike Hall, was the coolest guy ever.
27. The only year I ever went to Scout Camp was while I lived in Ohio.
28. The experience left me scarred with a deep resentment towards serious Scouting.
29. I still feel that way, though to a much lesser degree.
30. I was in a study hall in 7th grade when the planes struck the Towers on September 11th, 2001.
31. I moved to Liberty, Missouri in late December, 2001.
32. I met my next really good friend, Ammon, shortly after arriving.
33. I was awarded my Tote 'n' Chit card three times, the last time while in Liberty, but was never actually given the card.
34. This caused me much grief because of the doofuses who refused to allow me to use hatchets or axes on camp outs since I didn't physically have the card that they never gave me on me.
35. I was falsely accused of plagiarism by my German teacher in 9th grade for using material that my Dad helped me come up with for an oral assignment.
36. Okay, so the material was a bit farther ahead of where we were in class, but plagiarism? Seriously?
37. The situation was rectified, but not at all how I would have liked it to have been.
38. I was briefly concerned that I might be gay when I started taking a particular interest in one of my guy friends...
39. Turns out that I was just very lonely and was obsessing over a type of relationship that I wanted to have.
40. The first girl that I ever really fell for moved into the area while I was in 10th grade. Her name was Monica. I presume that it still is.
41. That relationship self-destructed rather unfortunately after I made the horrible mistake of being passive-aggressive towards her in order to garner sympathy.
42. I'm an idiot, I know.
43. I would love to reestablish contact with her, but it appears that she isn't interested. How sad. :(
44. I had my first experience of real kissing (over a period of a few weeks) when I was 15.
45. There wasn't much about it that I found to be enjoyable...
46. However, I still have faith that my next experience will be much more pleasant. :P
47. My all-time favorite excessively long board game is Axis & Allies.
48. I was enrolled in a Tae Kwon Do class for my 16th birthday. I absolutely loved it.
49. I'm rather surprised that I've gotten this far so easily.
50. I worked at Sonic for 8 months while I lived in Liberty
51. I will never work fast food or any other food service again.
52. I was in the Liberty High School Concert Choir in 11th grade. That was a lot of fun.
53. I wish I had been more self-confident back then. I could have taken some of those solo parts and done such a better job at them...
54. I also wouldn't have tolerated the crap that they pulled on me towards the end of the year.
55. Although I didn't graduate from Liberty High School, I still consider myself a Blue Jay Alumnus.
56. I graduated from Timberline High School in Boise, Idaho in 2007.
57. I was only there for one semester.
58. I was asked to Senior Prom. Mmm... Role reversal.
59. It wasn't that spectacular an experience. The steak was good, though.
60. I got really into Airsoft while in Boise.
61. I spent a lot of time playing in organized Airsoft battles with other kids in the area.
62. As a result, I spent a lot of time being really sick. Turns out I'm rather allergic to sagebrush.
63. While on that subject, I managed to get shot in the eye by my brother Tobi during one of the matches.
64. Quick eye lid reaction saved me from suffering a direct strike to the eye, but I was unable to see clearly - initially not at all - out of my right eye for about two weeks.
65. In case you were wondering, taking a plastic BB to the eye from two yards hurts like a b****.
66. I'm still extra prone to painful eye aches in that eye from fluorescent lighting.
67. Fluorescent lights have always given me headaches, only now much more so.
68. From the time that I graduated to July 2011, I essentially did absolutely nothing.
69. The only exception was a two-semester stint at New Mexico Tech.
70. I would eventually like to go back there.
71. I also met my bestest lady friend, Sara, while at NMT. :D
72. My favorite colors are red, blue and purple.
73. It was only a few years ago that I realized that my first two favorite colors combine to make the third.
74. That realization left me greatly astonished.
75. I don't enjoy eating all that much. The only reason I eat these days is so that I don't die.
76. I blame my stimulant meds for that.
77. I would die for a bag of strawberry creme savers.
78. Cinnamon Altoids are another vice of mine.
79. I am a fan of the Battlefield series.
80. I am one of the probably few Mormons you'll ever meet that does *NOT* want to go to BYU.
81. The question is commonly posed, "Boxers of briefs?" My answer is: combo!
82. If there was a gene therapy for stopping the growth of body hair, I would be all over that like a fat kid on a Twinkie.
83. In other words, I hate hair. It's gross.
84. I was once an Officer of the rank of Commander in Starfleet.
85. I'm currently back to being a Lieutenant Commander, and that isn't likely to change.
86. I have never been outside the USA.
87. I have been to both the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans.
88. I'm counting the Gulf of Mexico as the Atlantic Ocean, too.
89. I drink Diet Dr. Pepper like its going out of style.
90. I still don't understand how that expression is supposed to mean "like crazy."
91. I have a serious interest in LFTR technology. (energyfromthorium.com)
92. I have twelve toes.
93. I'm just kidding. :P
94. If I could, I would use an M-2 Bradley IFV as my primary vehicle.
95. I like guns. Like, really like guns. Really.
96. I also really like cuddling.
97. I have an unfortunate shortage of opportunities to do so, however.
98. That's one of the things that I would like to see changed the most.
99. Oh, and I nearly forgot!! Favorite all-time TV show: Stargate SG-1!!!!! Woo!!!!

Air Five!!

Well, hello again! I have finally returned to a state of mind to be able to write, as well as actually having sufficient material to even write about! Celebration!

Now let's calm back down. Excessive amounts of glee and glee-like behavior make me uncomfortable. :P

So, first I really want to mention how I really dislike my propensity towards being such a nice person all of the time. No, I do not want to give you a ride to somewhere that will end up not being quite where you actually intended on going and then sticking around. First of all, not giving me the full driving plan is rather rude. A ride to a pharmacy implies a significant number of things different than a ride to a restaurant located near the pharmacy. Second, I'm not a taxi and I don't charge for rides. Calling me for rides to nearby places and for nothing else is very annoying. Thirdly, I am not a particularly engaging person unless engaged. If you are not a particularly engaging person, either, then it's just going to be awkward and unpleasant for the both of us. (In other words, you're boring, but I'm not going to mention it directly because that's RUDE.)

Generically specific examples aside, I realize the problem lies in my inability to just say no. If I don't have a legitimate reason to say no, then I just can't seem to say it anyway. I also am unable to make up excuses on the spot that sound realistic, a trait that I find very particularly annoying. The other problem is that I'm never going to just be frank with a person, either. I'm far to NICE to do that. >.>

Alright, I do have other things to talk about that are less frustrated in nature. (Surprise!)

Primary is the fact that I have yet another date lined up for soon-ly. A very interesting story is behind this one, too. So it begins with consideration of my participation in the student choir at the LDS Institute of Religion at the UT campus. I figured that choir might be a place in which I might meet some new people, and for all intents and purposes, I was essentially right. Whether or not I actually became 'friends' with any of them is a different story. That was complicated by the fact that most of the people who I didn't know in the choir were members of another Singles Ward in more south Austin. Anyway, there were inevitably a few individuals who caught my attention. Amusingly, most of these people caught my attention because they reminded me very much of people whom I knew back in High School, whom I often rather liked. Appearances and behavior were congruous with my memories of certain people and that created a sensation of familiarity that made me comfortable with the prospect of being interested. (This is different from being comfortable with the prospect of actually talking to any of them, mind you. It's a weird and complicated system that even I don't quite understand.)

I went the first semester without really making any efforts to get to know anyone. My major hold-up was the fact that they all lived so far away from where I do. Yes, I have a car, but gas is expensive and Austin has very bad traffic during the times that I might have reason to go anywhere. Thus, I generally tried to stick to relatively nearby options. Well, fast forward to this semester, and we've recently started up the choir class again. I went to the second meeting (I was unaware of the significance of the date the week prior), and was intrigued to find that one of the girls that I had taken interest in was also attending again. This, in and of itself, would not have been enough to get me to do anything about it, but fortunately, towards the end of the class, Elder Smith decided to have the new-ish people introduce themselves. It was suggested that I introduce myself anyway, even though I was not necessarily new - people just probably didn't know me. So I did, and then mentioned in brief that I had Aspergers syndrome. I was going to continue with a forcedly brief explanation of what that was when someone on the other side of the room shouted, "Oh, me too!" Turns out it was the very girl that I have mentioned thus far.

The revelation surprised me initially - I never would have guessed based solely on my observations - but as I reconsidered things, I realized that I really wasn't so surprised. There were a number of interesting quirks that I had seen, though not necessarily noted, that now made absolute sense. Well, I had my 'in,' as it were, and I decided to take advantage of it. I stopped her after class and we had a nice, if somewhat brief conversation before I left. Later I determined that I might ask her to dinner the next week so I could get to know her better. Strangely, I always find it easier and more comfortable to get to know someone when on a date rather than just in casual conversation.

So this past Thursday I went to choir, enjoyed the experience and then forced myself to talk to her again. (As one might expect, there was a great cacophony in my mind as the blaring ABORT!!! sirens were silenced by the forces of my stoic acceptance-ish-ness.) So we talked for a few minutes, during which we discovered that she had gone to High School with two of my cousins from the Gregor McHardy family. It's rather funny how people are so closely connected without even realizing it sometimes. 

Afterwards (and after a short blue-screen-of-death effect inside my brain), I actually got around to asking her if she would have any interest in getting dinner sometime. I noticed (and smiled inwardly at) how her face instantly lit up once she interpreted what I was asking. I suspect that she may have a similar problem as I in which she feels that people often don't really take interest in her, so the unexpected nature of the encounter was probably pretty nice. I then threw away all of my practiced conversational facade as I switched to information gathering mode (I get very choppy and easily jumbled when I have to think of, and then ask for, what information I might need from someone). I think I did a pretty good job, getting everything but her cell number. A slightly embarrassing oversight, but I've still got next Thursday to acquire that information before the actual date. All I have to do now is plan out options for what we might do before the YSA dance that night.... Always seems so difficult, but ends up not being so. Oh well, I'll be fine. I'm excited either way. :P

A Short Update

I would absolutely love to make a full post here, but I am currently not able to use my brain well enough to think of anything. I blame an acute lack of anti-depressant drugs for this malfunction. Anyway, Just as a short status update, I am home again in Austin and finally living on my own! It's so very nice to have full use of my apartment for once and not have any unnecessary stress from having other persons around! Absolutely love it.

I went to the Austin Zoo today. Cute little animal sanctuary out in the apparent middle of nowhere. Wasn't a lot there, but there was enough interesting material to make the long drive worth it. 

I'll write more about... Something... a little later. Tomorrow, probably, once I've had time to get the levels of Pristiq in my body back up to where they should be. Buh-bye!

An Uncomfortably Emotional Message

I really do hate going on about my own personal difficulties (as much as I tend to do so anyway), but the purpose of this blog is to allow others out there to come to a better understanding of who and what I am by being exposed to those spontaneous and unique traits of mine that they otherwise might not be. I feel that in order for this purpose to be fulfilled, I need to be very honest about some of the things going on in my life that others cannot readily see. It is both a blessing and a curse, but I have the very well developed ability to hide my feelings and emotions from view until I am safely at home and out of sight of the general public. This means that I don't break down when things get difficult or stressful - that is, I don't break down immediately. I excuse myself, go home and THEN I break down. In the mean time, everything is locked safely inside so I do not end up making a scene, disturbing others and embarrassing myself. Taking into account that I do have Aspergers Syndrome, as well as the fact that many of the other individuals I have met with the same and other related conditions have no qualms about throwing a childish fit in public, one would not be wrong to see this as a good thing. I agree with them insofar as that is concerned. It is very inconvenient, however, because it means that I give no clear and present indication of any inner turmoil, even when it is of such severity that it is slowly eating away at my very soul. The only ones that ever see my distress are those that I am the closest to. Namely, my mother and father. 

Bear in mind that I am in Austin specifically because there is a program here dedicated to aiding those of us with Aspergers Syndrome in learning how to cope in normal society, particularly in college, and become successful, independent and productive members of society. The men and women that run this branch of the program are trained professionals that understand exactly what I am going through and can help me. That is, if they had any idea that I was in distress. I have become so proficient at holding back the physical manifestations of my anxiety and irritations that we recently found out that the people at CLE had absolutely no idea that the problems that I had mentioned from time to time were anywhere as severe as they are, much to the annoyance of both myself and my mother.

The problem is that I do not feel comfortable putting myself in a vulnerable situation with people that I do not already have a well established relationship of a specific caliber. Never mind the fact that since I arrived here in July of 2011, CLE has been juggling around their staff and students on an almost continuous basis. (Not a good thing to be doing in a program for people who need structure and stability.) Never mind the fact that I'm already a very capable individual with just a few specific problems while the majority of the rest of the 50 or so students enrolled in the program are considerably less functional. Disregard the fact that my parents enrolled me in this program based on the promise of individualized support and structure, only to have me placed in a mold suited to the lowest common denominator and forced to prove my worth against that framework instead. But as much as I love to point out the flaws I've seen in this system (because that's what I do best: identify what could be better), I'm not actually here to complain about CLE. They just happen to be involved. 

As I had started to say earlier, I don't know these people. I don't trust these people. Therefore, I cannot confide in these people. All misunderstanding aside, there is a fundamental disconnect that is only just now starting to be addressed. The thing is, this is a problem that extends well beyond this program and it's human-ness. This has been a constant battle I've been fighting for... Well, forever, as far as I am mortally concerned. The fact of the matter is that I lack something very specific in my life that literally makes it next to impossible for me to do much more than barely stay above the water as I have been doing. I could go on about the history of it all, and I very nearly did in this post, but it is a difficult, complex and convoluted story. It also took me nearly two hours to write out the brief version of it.

(As an aside, I'll probably end up posting it somewhere here at some point. The story I told is very important when it comes to really understanding the sheer depth of what I face.)

Just do me a favor and take my word for it. While every problem and difficulty I talk about may be of the same type as those that everyone else experiences, the effects that mine have on me are (and have been psychologically proven to be) very, very different. It is simply something that cannot be fully understood unless you either experience it yourself or devote your life to studying it by way of academia or by raising a child afflicted with my disorder. I take the time to emphasize this because all too often, people ask me to explain what Aspergers is like for me, then proceed to either try to empathize (and thereby marginalizing the severity and realness of the issues) or simply disregard the problems as products of me not trying hard enough because they cannot conceive how big of a deal it really is. To the former, I appreciate the gesture but would ask that you try to understand why I might find it annoying, and to the latter, as much as I try not to be, I am deeply insulted by your brazen ignorance and callousness. Especially those of you who allegedly specialize in the care of cognitively dysfunctional individuals of whatever degree. You should know better. Shame on you.

Anyway, now that I have gotten that minor tirade off my chest, let's get back to the purpose of this post. To make a long story short, the reason that I cannot seem to help myself is because I am completely alone on a very deep level, and I have been since the beginning. Things that I know with absolute certainty will help me feel better or be happier have almost no appeal to me anymore for the simple reason that I have been so exhausted trying to do things for my own benefit alone. To say it another way, that I have been trying to be happy by myself. To paraphrase my mother's comment from last night, I have spent so long trying to be happy without having the things that I need the most that I've simply burnt out. I know I could be somewhat happier or that life could be considerably better if I just did this or that, but what's the point?

It's a sad day when someone finds that they can no longer muster the will to help themselves. As I said before, I can keep my head above the water - just barely - but without some kind of a floatation aid, I can do no more. Without this one little thing, I just can't maintain the drive to do anything, even to just have fun, for very long. I've had a long time to think about what this missing piece of my life might be. I've actually known exactly what it is for a long time. The most frustrating part of it all is that what I lack is not something that can be bought or given. It is something that must be found and nurtured and developed over a period of time and in rather particular circumstances.

The thing that I lack is two-fold, really. You'll understand why in a moment. The thing that I long for the most is to be intimately close with someone. Furthermore, I long for friends who can understand me, where I'm coming from and what I am, and can give me the kind of support - the little things that would make a world of difference for me - that I so desperately need and so desperately wish that I could do the same for in return. Things like just spending time with me, being there when I'm depressed even though there's really nothing they can do or say to help, inviting me to whatever. Sadly, the person who can fill the first part is very likely to be the person who fills the second part, as well. I don't make friends easily and it takes a lot to become the type of friend that I've described. I don't expect it from the friends that I do have because I know that they have their own lives and issues and that I am a rather high-maintenance individual. To fill the hole in my life, you have to be able to really dedicate yourself to it, something that I realize the vast majority of the world cannot be expected to do.

(As an aside, this is not to say that I do not have any friends at all. On the contrary, I have many good friends here in Austin and have had several in the past, all of whom I love very much for everything they have done and continue to do for me. I truly appreciate you all and do not mean in any way to marginalize your many contributions to my life.)

Since I've moved here, I have come to the brink of total collapse on two occasions, the most recent of which was last night. Between the stress of my perceived incompetence, the stress of living with the particular afflicted soul that I am required to and the sheer emptiness and loneliness that I live in, things have been getting pretty rough. No need to be alarmed, though. I've gone through this all before and I'm still alive and treading water, so I know I'll get through this one too. I just figured that it might be good to let you all know at the very least through this medium, since I will never show any outward signs of it otherwise.

As a last note, I am in no way begging to be treated as special or for people to go out of their way to help me feel included or whatever. Being a project is no better than being ignored. I just want to let people know what's up. And here it is.

If Boredom and Curiosity had a Baby...

I was bored this morning, so I started a little project to see what the basic ratios for all of my monitor's resolution options were. I figured that there would be a couple general groups that each resolution setting would reduce down to. Well, THIS is the result of that curiosity. I have created an image comparing the sizes of all 18 screen resolutions under the assumption that all pixels are perfect squares and all the same size. Each resolution group is color coded and listed on the right. The specific resolutions are indicated at the top-right corner of each box. (Not that you can see them, really, with how tiny I have to make the picture on here.) Obviously, this is set up as if they were lined up back to front so that every setting had at least a part showing.

By the way, if you can't find the 683x384 box on there, that's because it is literally just 6 pixels longer than the 85x48. (1366 and 1360, respectively. Both are 768 pixels tall.) 6 pixels! What the heck?

So Much Fun, I Thought I'd Share

Started doing some bubble-story writing earlier this week. Instead of trying to write my story as one whole piece from the beginning to the end, I've decided to finally take my Dad's advice and just write individual scenes as I think of them and stitch them together later. Well, I hate having my writing only to be viewed by myself, so I figured that I'd post one of those pieces here for your enjoyment. It's the longer (and better) of the two, so be prepared to spend some time on it. ;)

*****

Commander Kregeth

It had been a long day, but training days usually were. Forty five recruits had made it through the rigorous selection process to make it to this stage of the trials and after an exhaustive day of observation, correction and demonstration, Legion Commander Calzian Kregeth was not pleased with any of them. It was his duty to find the absolute best of the best out of the handful of recruits he had been given and prepare them for life as a member of the Trinasian military's most elite wing, the Massifarian Guard. Kregeth could see that each of the men and women in front of him were obviously incredibly skilled, dedicated and well trained. Any one of them could have passed the entrance and training phases of any of the other elite units in the Army, Marines, or the Navy, and none of those groups were ones to be disregarded. The problem was that none of them appeared cut out for the Massifarian Guard.

Calzian Kregeth was a large and intimidating man, even without the signature armored uniform of the Guard. His body had always been lean and muscular, but his years in the Guard and the hyper-intensive training that it required had greatly added to his size. His face was rough and battle-scarred, but the depth in his dark green eyes hinted at the mountain of a man that resided in his mind. He had been identified as a potential candidate for the Guard relatively early on in his career in the Naval Marines because of his intelligence, sharp mind and strong will. He had always been proficient at nearly anything he tried, but his time in the Marines accentuated his natural talents. Ne never failed to complete his role in missions or assignments and often was able to pick up the slack for other members of his teams, as well. He was a natural over-achiever without meaning to be, but was always respectful and modest about his abilities.

Seen as something of an enigma – individuals as skilled as Calzian usually come with an ego of equal size – The Massifarian Guard jumped at the opportunity to bring him into their ranks. He passed the entrance tests and training assignments with remarkable proficiency, though he stated in his reports that there were several occasions in which he had nearly broken. In all the history of the Guard, there had only been a handful of recruits that had done better than Calzian. Because of this skill, he quickly found himself rising through the ranks until he arrived to where he was today, a Legion Commander and commanding officer of the Kilo-Zulu Squadron, which was responsible processing the annual batches of new recruits. It was a fairly unglamorous position, but it was one that he took very seriously. The man in charge of KZ Squadron was responsible for the long term health and efficiency of the entire Guard.

The Commander folded his arms across his chest and paced across the platform in front of the recruits. He scanned each of their faces. They were exhausted, he could tell, but there was a determination to press on present in each set of eyes that intrigued him. He knew all too well that by the time the month was over, that glimmer will have long disappeared from nearly all of them. Behind his stern and emotionless facade, he felt sorry for them. He knew what they knew, that the success rate of new recruits was less than 5% of those who made it through the initial screenings. That meant that of the forty five men and women in front of him, only two, maybe three, would still be standing here in a month's time. They knew that, yet they all persisted in spite of the odds. He felt especially sorry for the handful of Corotath recruits that managed to make it through initial screenings. The Corotath and Seeronians were both essentially the same species, but the planets on which they evolved varied considerably. The result was that Seeronians, on average, tended to be larger, stronger and more resilient than their Corotath counterparts. The competition between the two races was fierce in the military, and when it came to things like entry into the elite units, a Corotath victory was an immense honor. For a Corotath to even get this far meant that he was among the absolute very best of his kind, but the chances that he would survive much further were extraordinarily slim. Only three Corotath had ever been fully accepted into the Legions of the Guard in all of their history, two of which being part Seeronian. It pained the Commander greatly to have to dismiss such great and talented soldiers simply because of the relatively minor differences between their race and his, but such were the requirements of the Massifarian Guard.

“You all did very well today,” he announced, finally breaking his protracted silence, “...but not nearly well enough!”

The recruits didn't flinch. This was expected.

“This is not the Cobalt Squadron or Alpha Unit! This is the Massifarian Guard, and that means that you have to be ten times the soldier that either of those units would accept! Your performance today was admirable on their levels, but absolutely pathetic on ours!” Kregeth paused and scanned his audience again. “If this is all you have to give me, then I can tell you with complete assurance that you all will be dead before this month is half over. If you want to get past me and into the ranks of the Legions as badly as you think you do, you'd better look deep inside and find whatever it is that you're not using and start using it! I do not want a bunch of hopeful, but dead soldiers! I want true Guardsmen material! Do you understand me?”

The hall reverberated as the recruits shouted in unison, “Sir! Yes Sir!”

Kregeth frowned. “We'll see about that.” He paused and walked to the other side of the platform. “Tomorrow is going to be more of the same thing, and the day after that, and the day after that! I expect to see each of you here at 600 hours on the dot. That's in less than seven hours”

“Sir! Yes Sir!”

“Now get your sorry asses out of my sight. Dismissed!”

The recruits shouted a last time and turned and followed the instructions of their individual group's Sergeant as they left the hall. Kregeth watched silently until the last recruit had disappeared out the main doors and then signaled for his Lieutenants to join him. The two uniformed officers approached him and stood at attention.

“See to it that no one sleeps for longer than an hour and a half at a time.” Calzian said. “The usual drills.”

The two men nodded. “Yes, Sir!”

Calzian saluted and waved his hand. “Now get going.”

He turned towards the hall that led to his office as the Lieutenants departed and reflected on the day's events as he went. He always tried to avoid placing bets on which of the recruits would actually make it through the course, but he often found that he couldn't help it. He was rarely wrong, but he enjoyed being surprised from time to time.

He entered the small, plain room that served as his office and powered up his desk computer. He removed the bulkier parts of his uniform while the machine woke up and placed them in the locker on the far wall. The movement caught the attention of the only other living thing in the room and it acknowledged Calzian's presence with a muffled grunt.

“Hello, Zhen.” he said in greeting to the creature, “I hope your day was more exciting than mine?” The creature replied with a series of soft grunts, clicks and whistles that caused Kregeth to chuckle.”Yeah, I know this isn't the most glamorous place to be. We'll be getting out of here soon enough.”

The creature muttered something and lay its had back down on the large pillow upon which it was resting. It looked very much like a large dog, but was quite a bit more than that. A coat of fur of varying lengths covered its entire body, longest between its ears and it's shoulder blades and shortest on its face and legs. The hair was twisted and braided in a series of intricate designs along its flanks, with beads and other items incorporated in to the designs. The patterns and colors held tribal significance much in the way that tattoos did in many of the native cultures on both Seeron and Corotath. The creature's forelegs were considerably thicker than a dog's as well, in order to accommodate the extra mass needed to support and control the slightly longer fingers and two small, opposable thumbs on each paw. Finally, a series of bony protrusions ran down each side of the creature's spine, ending just short of its tail.

The creature was called a Calenien Bokstorq by the Trinasian authorities, given that it's own name for the species was something that couldn't really be pronounced by humanoid vocal systems. The Bokstorq were a highly intelligent species of canine-like creatures found exclusively on the planet Typhix in the Bastion system. They lived in a primarily tribal system and held honor and service to a very high degree of importance. Their dog-like bodies gave them impressive strength and agility, and as such they put considerable emphasis on warrior lifestyles. They likely would have stayed that way, had it not been for their unique evolution of dual opposable forelimbs. The two 'thumbs' on each front paw gave them an impressive ability to manipulate and build, such to a point that Bokstorq tribes had developed and built complex construction practices that allowed their cities and towns to rise up and incorporate trees, as well as the ground.

Calzian had first encountered Zhen many years ago on a mission to eliminate a very powerful and troublesome pirating warlord who had set up shop on the surface of Typhix. The mission was ultimately a success, but in the process of completing it, Calzian and his squad happened across a young and wounded Bokstorq that had been taken captive by the enemy. It was apparent that the creature had endured considerable pain and torture from it's captors for some time, and the fact alone that it had willed itself to stay alive impressed the Commander greatly. Ordering his squad to continue on, he stayed behind to liberate and tend to the prisoner. Past encounters and interaction between the forces of the Trinasus Alliance and the Bokstorq informed Calzian that the creature was an intelligent, sapient being and not just an animal, and after treating the creature's most damaging wounds the best he could with his personal med kit, he called in a med-evac to pick up the Bokstorq and have it treated by the medical corps on his ship, after which he parted with the creature and rejoined his squad.

Calzian had acted only to preserve an innocent life, but Zhen'drahn knew that it was an act beyond his duty. The honor-bound Bokstorq was required by his system of beliefs to surrender himself to his savior's service until such a day as his life-debt had been repaid. Calzian, as well as the Massifarian Guard command, initially moved to refuse the act, but they were soon overruled by their civilian commanders in favor of preserving and improving diplomatic relations with the Bokstorq race. To have refused Zhen'drahn to repay his life-debt would have been seen as an unforgivable insult by his people. Calzian submitted to his orders and allowed Zhen'drahn to accompany him, initially finding the whole arrangement to be a burden, but Zhen'drahn quickly proved himself to be a very formidable force and a powerful and valuable ally in the field. It wasn't long until Calzian and Zhen were an inseparable team.

The desk computer beeped once it was ready and Calzian scanned through the messages on his display. Of the several dozen notifications cluttering up the screen, most of which were the usual, expected kinds related to his job, one stood out. On the top left corner of the window, a red square and the seal of the Fleet Admiral stood in stark contrast to the white and gray that adorned the rest of the screen. Curious as to why he would have been contacted by the Fleet Admiral, he opened the notification. His curiosity wasn't at all satisfied, however. The message merely stated that the Admiral had called and wished for Calzian to contact him at the earliest convenience. Calzian had been a friend to the Yacka family for some time and it was not unheard of for Coran to contact Calzian to invite him on a weekend fishing trip or the like, but this notice was also marked urgent, with the symbol that indicated that he was to return the call as soon as he got the message, regardless of the time. Coran Yacka was a man that held his personal time to great importance. He had a wife and two small children, after all, and he was going to set aside time for them unless the situation absolutely required his attention. Coran did not use this symbol loosely.

Calzian sighed. “Looks like the Admiral called, Zhen.” he said.

Zhen'drahn lifted his head, looked at Calzian attentively and asked what it was about.

“I'm not sure.” Calzian replied. “It says to contact him immediately, though, so we won't have to wait for long to find out.”

With a press of a button, a small twelve-symbol keypad rose from a recessed area from the desk. He entered a combination of the symbols, the Admiral's direct line, and waited. A few moments later, a large screen emerged from the wall opposite the desk and flashed the symbol of the Fleet Admiral before switching to a live feed.

“Commander Kregeth, I'm glad to see that you got my message.” the Admiral said.

“My apologies, Sir, for calling you so late.” Calzian began to reply, “I know that you don't like being disturbed...”

Coran cut him off with a shake of his head and a wave of his hand. “Enough of that, Commander. I knew ahead of time that you weren't going to be getting back to me until now. No need to apologize.” He paused and tapped something into his personal computer. “How has the recruitment training been going?”

Calzian gave a confused look. Coran Yacka rarely made official calls to make chit chat. “They've only just started, Sir, but everything has been going as anticipated so far.”

“Any rising stars?” Coran asked, still typing away at his keyboard.

“It's too early to say, Sir. I try to not place bets on my trainees.”

Coran glanced inquisitively at the Commander out of the corner of his eye. “That's unfortunate.” He looked back at his screen. “Gives you something to talk about at dinner.”

Calzian smiled. “Yes, well, you know that I'm single, Sir. I don't have that problem.”

“Cut the crap, Calzian. I know about your little lady friend.” Coran smirked. “What's her name again, Meredith?”

Calzian hesitated. He hadn't actually talked about his relationship with Meredith with the Admiral before. “Yes, Sir, that's correct. I try to keep the conversation off work when we're together.”

Coran laughed. “Listen, Commander, here's a little bit of advice. If this woman really likes you, she will want to hear about work. Don't avoid talking about it altogether. Once you get used to not talking about one thing, it's all that much easier to not talk about lots of other things.” He paused for a half a second, “Remember, this is coming from me, and you know all about the fiasco that was my courting phase before I found Elendra.”

The Commander smiled. “Yes, I will keep that in mind. I don't mean to come across as rude, Sir, but is this what you called to talk about? You don't usually...”

“Use official lines for this, I know.” Coran interrupted. “I do actually have a point, Commander. I have a last minute addition to your trainees.”

Calzian was now very confused. “I'm sorry, an addition? Sir, with all due respect, you can't just...”

“Are you familiar with the incident at the Bimaran Desert Testing Facilities?” Coran continued, ignoring Kregeth's protest.

Calzian paused for a few seconds to regain his composure before answering. “The one involving the appearance of the advanced AI system in the weapons testing programming a few years back?”

Coran nodded. “Yes, that one. What do you know about the AI itself?” he asked.

Coran took a moment to call back the several reports he had read some time ago about the construct. “I know that it requested that it be allowed to construct a mobile body for itself and that ever since then, it has been causing a lot of trouble for the Army. Command wants it to be scrapped before it gets out of control.”

“Good,” said Coran, “I see you've been keeping up on official news.” He smiled again and continued, “The AI calls itself Dakroth. I've met with it and have decided that such a machine is far too valuable to us to scrap, so I want to transfer it to the Massifarian Guard.”

Calzian's eyes went wide. “What?” he asked incredulously, “Transfer that thing here? Sir, there's a whole book of regulations that you would be breaking by doing that! Guard Command would never allow...”

Coran's face grew stern. “That's enough, Commander.” he said. Calzian immediately went silent. “Guard Command is still under my authority, so it doesn't really matter what they think. The Massifarian Guard is composed of the absolute best of the best of what we've got. It holds the highest standards and has the lowest entrance rate of any of the wings of the military. This Dakroth is the epitome of what it means to be a Guardsman. I've seen what it can do and I'm not about to have the most important weapons development of this millennia get scrapped just because the rest of the High Command Council isn't willing to bet on the thing. I'm putting it in the care of the Guard because the Guard can reign it in, control it and refine it. Am I making myself clear?”

Coran was paralyzed from disbelief. He stared blankly at the Admiral's image on the screen for a moment before finally managing, “Yes, Sir.” A moment later he added, “What if it can't be controlled, Admiral?”

Coran leaned back in his chair and sighed. “If it can't be controlled... I would have sent the Guard after it anyway. Any more objections, Commander?”

“None, Sir.” Calzian replied.

“Good. I'm transmitting you the details now.” He pressed a button on his computer and began the data transfer. “I'm ordering it's transfer officially as of tomorrow. I'll take care of your superiors, so just focus on the training. I have faith in your ability to handle this, Calzian. Good luck.”

The screen flashed back to the Admiral's insignia and then switched off and returned to its position inside the wall. Calzian stood in place for a minute as he processed what he had just been told. Zhen'drahn watched him intently, and after a minute, spoke another series of grunts, clicks and whistles.

Calzian nodded his head slowly. “No kidding.”