Abject is a Funny Word and Other Titles Unrelated to the Topic

--Happy People Annoy Me - They Always Remind Me That I'm Not--

Don't get me wrong - I don't dislike church in general. Except in certain unfortunate circumstances, I actually rather do enjoy the intellectual stimulation and change of scenery provided by the weekly meeting at the church building. I have, however, noticed a startling trend as of late with regards to my mood and feeling of self worth whenever I leave after the meetings. The startling part of it is that it is a downward trend. While most would say that they leave church feeling uplifted and edified, or some other combination of fancy words that we Mormons love to recycle without much thought into them, I leave feeling annoyed and depressed. In contrast, I used to leave church either feeling perfectly normal or with a powerful headache. (The building I went to in Boise had something in it that I was very much allergic to, it seems.) I have identified the reason that I've been feeling this way and it turns out, perhaps not surprisingly, that I feel so depressed and annoyed because I am surrounded by a ward full of people with friends to talk to, things to talk about, things to do, etc. Now, why is this a problem? Because I don't really have any of that and I am reminded of that in a very obvious manner time after time. I do have friends, yes, but I lack anything else to go along with that. I either follow someone else around and pretend to be involved in the conversation or I go sit alone and do something else.

As an aside, many people feel the urge to suggest to me, "Cory, why don't you just go talk to people? Join in on the conversations! It's not that hard." Without intending to be offensive, my universal response has now become, "Go screw yourself. If I could actually do that, I wouldn't be having this problem."

The matter isn't helped at all by the fact that I'm not looking for just any interaction. Matters are made more difficult by the fact that I'm really only ever interested in interacting with a handful of specific people. When others come talk to me, I will politely converse with them (for I am a habitually polite person,) but it's not what I'm looking for, so it means very little to me. It's not that I just don't want people to talk to me, I just wish that certain people would talk to me or at least show some interest in the fact that I still exist, perhaps.

Another thing that has been on my mind lately, and that does relate to my previous topic in some fashion, is my inadequacies when it comes to dating. I am not a planner. I can't think of fun things to do to save my life. (Why do you think I spend most of my time at my computer doing stuff like this?) I would absolutely love to be able to go on dates and have a good time with someone, but for the life of me, I have no idea how to go about arranging such things. What's worse is that because I am the male in the picture, it is my responsibility to arrange the evening. I am the one taking the girl out, not the other way around. Thus, I find myself either not asking people out for lack of ideas or only going out with someone once or twice, at most, because otherwise we'll be doing the same damn thing every time.

There are sometimes people that I really want to ask out, but am not able to because, say, I can't get the opportunity to ask in person (and I absolutely despise the thought of asking via text), they are busy, or even simply because I am intimidated by them in one way or another. I end up liking people that don't necessarily think or act the way I do - which are such people as those that I usually become friends with - but because of a certain level of intellectual confidence, position/advancement in their life, perceived social status (mine of theirs), I just gum up. I can't do it. Even when I work up the confidence to actually go through the motions of that relatively simple interaction, I am back to where I started. I would like to go on a date, but I have absolutely no idea what we might do. What am I going to do, ask them out and then say, "By the way, I have absolutely nothing planned. Do you have any ideas?" I've heard on numerous occasions that girls like guys who are decisive, who aren't afraid to make decisions. Well, I am most certainly not one of those guys. 

Hypothetical: You really like a girl, but you find yourself in the situation that I have been describing. Is it acceptable (read: a good idea) to go to her and just explain the situation? Keep in mind that this is a girl who you may not already have a particularly deep relationship with. You know each other, you've talked before, gone on a date once, etc., but it's not like the two of you are already good friends, so to speak.

I have also been told - by other girls with whom I have confided - that if you want to get anywhere with someone that you have to show her how you feel. I just don't know how I'd ever be able to do that aside from my hypothetical situation. I just don't have the opportunity to do it any other way, if I actually had some idea of how it might be done in the first place. 

And so, because it is difficult and uncomfortable and it puts me well outside my comfort zone to do anything about it, I all too often end up doing nothing about it and letting potential opportunities pass by, even though it ultimately leaves me an increasingly lonely person. I'm not asking for a miracle. I'd just like someone to take an interest in me for a change.